Hicks & Giggles

Joke of the Day

Every joke we've told so far, newest first. A fresh one shows up every mornin'.

  1. If a watched pot never boils, maybe the pot has performance anxiety.
  2. I'm not weird. I'm a niche experience.
  3. I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are hard to find.
  4. The attic is where we store decisions we're not emotionally ready to revisit.
  5. I'm not distracted. I'm conducting mental side quests.
  6. My vacuum broke. It just doesn't suck anymore.
  7. A lawn mower is just a tiny tractor with rage issues.
  8. My life has plot holes, but the character development is decent.
  9. My dog swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. His next trip outside could spell disaster.
  10. A closed door is just a wall with ambition.
  11. I don't make mistakes. I create unexpected learning environments.
  12. I bought a boat because I wanted to sea what all the fuss was about.
  13. The ocean is just Earth's way of saying, "I need some space."
  14. My inbox is where ambition goes to be slowly fossilized.
  15. I quit my job at the coffee shop. It was the daily grind.
  16. If life gives you lemons, it's probably because you forgot what you actually went to the store for.
  17. I'm trying to be more spontaneous, but I need to schedule it.
  18. I told my dad I was cold. He said, "Go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees."
  19. Maybe aliens avoid Earth because they've seen our comment sections.
  20. I make plans so future me has something to cancel.
  21. I once dated a tennis player, but love meant nothing to her.
  22. If dogs could talk, they'd probably still mostly say, "Same walk again?"
  23. I'm not clumsy. The floor and I are in a complicated relationship.
  24. The guy who invented Velcro died. RIP.
  25. A thermostat is the most powerful political device in any home.
  26. I don't need directions. I need a witness.
  27. I bought a wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. It wooden go.
  28. The first person to milk a cow was either a genius or someone with terrible boundaries.
  29. I don't need a life coach; I need a nap with benefits.
  30. I tried to take a photo of some wheat. It came out grainy.
  31. A mirror is just a window that gave up on the outside world.
  32. My hobbies include starting things and respecting their privacy.
  33. I don't tell elevator jokes anymore. They work on too many levels.
  34. A dog leash is just a friendship bracelet with jurisdiction.
  35. I believe in balance: one productive task, one unreasonable reward.
  36. I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
  37. I told a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.
  38. A family group text is just a town hall meeting with emojis.
  39. I don't take things personally, except personally.
  40. I used to hate facial hair, but eventually it grew on me.
  41. A calendar is just time's way of making threats.
  42. I'm very mature for someone who still races the microwave timer.
  43. I asked my dad how he likes his steak. He said, "On my plate."
  44. A family road trip is just a podcast with seat belts and complaints.
  45. My sleep schedule is held together with caffeine and poor leadership.
  46. The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
  47. The difference between clutter and memories is whether anyone else is trying to throw it away.
  48. I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm selectively correct.
  49. I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
  50. The floor is the largest shelf in any house, but nobody wants to admit it.
  51. I don't rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.
  52. I asked my chair if it had any plans. It said it was just going to sit this one out.
  53. If patience is a virtue, customer service hold music is a monastery.
  54. I'm not a control freak; I'm a quality enthusiast.
  55. I asked my dog what two minus two is. He said nothing.
  56. A flashlight is a wand for people who don't believe in magic but still need to find the breaker box.
  57. I have a black belt in almost doing things.
  58. I told a joke about a broken pencil, but there was no point.
  59. The moon is just the sun's night-shift coworker.
  60. I'm great at multitasking: I can waste time, worry, and snack all at once.
  61. I once made a joke about a roof. It went over everyone's head.
  62. A backpack is just a turtle shell for people with homework.
  63. I'm not high-maintenance. I'm low-tolerance.
  64. I started reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
  65. Maybe birds aren't singing. Maybe they're reviewing the neighborhood.
  66. I tried being normal once. The Wi-Fi was terrible.
  67. I asked my phone why it was tired. It said it had too many tabs open.
  68. I used to work in a blanket factory, but I folded under pressure.
  69. Every sandwich is a temporary structure with trust issues.
  70. I don't have trust issues. I have pattern recognition.
  71. I named my horse Mayo. Sometimes Mayo neighs.
  72. If your phone can recognize your face, it has seen you at your worst and stayed loyal.
  73. My browser history is just a cry for help with better search terms.
  74. I tried to catch some fog yesterday. Mist.
  75. Maybe the meaning of life isn't hidden. Maybe it's just in the other pair of pants.
  76. I'm not stubborn; my opinions have tenure.
  77. I tried to write a joke about paper, but it was tearable.
  78. A refrigerator is just a closet where hope slowly expires.
  79. I'm not cheap; I'm financially dramatic.
  80. I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We still haven't gotten a gig.
  81. The hardest part of chasing your dreams is realizing they don't know they're being chased.
  82. I'm on a seafood diet: I see food, then I make financially irresponsible decisions.
  83. I told my wife I wanted to be a comedian. She laughed. Mission accomplished.
  84. A toaster is just a tanning bed for bread.
  85. I'm not tired; I'm just aggressively undercharged.
  86. I wanted to be a professional mirror cleaner, but I just couldn't see myself doing it.
  87. Maybe yawns are just ghosts leaving bored people.
  88. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  89. I opened a restaurant on the moon. Great food, no atmosphere.
  90. Every grocery list is a tiny autobiography of what we think we're about to become.
  91. I don't burn bridges. I send them a strongly worded weather report.
  92. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
  93. Maybe clouds aren't floating. Maybe the sky is just holding its breath.
  94. I tried minimalism, but I had too much stuff to commit.
  95. I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  96. The older I get, the more I realize wisdom is mostly knowing which drawer has the batteries.
  97. I'm working on myself, but management has concerns.
  98. I asked the ocean for advice. It told me to wave and move on.
  99. If time heals all wounds, clocks are basically tiny doctors.
  100. I'm not tired; I'm just aggressively undercharged.
  101. I got a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired for taking a few days off.
  102. Maybe the reason we can't find Bigfoot is because he's already found himself.
  103. A password is just a secret you tell a machine and then immediately forget.
  104. I opened a restaurant on the moon. Great food, no atmosphere.
  105. Maybe ghosts don't haunt houses. Maybe houses haunt ghosts.
  106. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose!
  107. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud!
  108. Why don’t ducks tell jokes? Because they quack up!
  109. What do you call a redneck who gets a job? A rare breed!
  110. Why did the farmer always carry a pencil? In case he had to draw a line!
  111. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a potato? A mashed tater!
  112. Why did the fisherman bring a ladder? To catch high fish!
  113. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? 'Where's my tractor?!'
  114. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
  115. How does a farmer count his animals? With a cow-culator!
  116. What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument? A moosician!
  117. Why did the pig take a bath? Because he wanted to squeal clean!
  118. What did the farmer say after his tractor broke down? 'Looks like I’m going to have to plow through this one!'
  119. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!
  120. Why was the tractor so good at racing? Because it had a lot of horsepower!
  121. What’s a farmer’s favorite type of music? Hay-ly Hip Hop!
  122. Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks!
  123. How do farmers celebrate their work? They raise a barn!
  124. Why did the farmer plant a seed in his computer? He wanted to grow a spreadsheet!
  125. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a cow? Frosty milk!
  126. Why don’t chickens like basketball? They’re afraid of the foul shots!
  127. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
  128. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
  129. Why don’t you ever see cows hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!
  130. What did the hay say to the farmer? 'Hay, there!'}
  131. Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom!
  132. How do you know if a farmer's been working hard? He's got corn rows!
  133. Why did the turkey join a band? Because it had the drumsticks!
  134. How does a redneck count? 'One, two, three… plenty!'
  135. Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks!
  136. What do you call a tractor that’s never on time? A 'late' model!
  137. Why did the pig take a bath? Because it wanted to squeal clean!
  138. What’s a farmer’s favorite type of music? HIP-pop!
  139. Why did the farmer plant a seed in his computer? He wanted to grow a website!
  140. What happened to the chicken that crossed the road? It got to the other side and said, 'I thought they’d never wing it!'
  141. Why don’t cows have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry!
  142. How do farmers party? They turnip the beet!
  143. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!
  144. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
  145. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!